Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
