Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
