Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just want nice things and good sex
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
