the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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