I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
