i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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