I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
