Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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