he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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