I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Soap is not a condiment
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Randomize
