My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
