I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
