I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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