The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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