True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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