If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
