I have demons in me.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
