I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
