GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
