The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
