I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize