It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
