At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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