i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize