TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
