we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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