mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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