so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
