I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
