allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Small penises have feelings too.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
