the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
