I wish they made helmets for livers.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
What a dumb baby whore.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
