Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
