Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
