I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
