yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
