i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
