woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
