my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
