I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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