I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
