I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
