If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
