I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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