Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
