we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
