i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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