a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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