Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
