there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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