My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
