just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
