I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
