So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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