my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
