God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
