I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Panties = found
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
