I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
