He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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