Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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